was i a coward or just trying to protect myself? either way, i knew i’d never be the same.
that part of me, the part responsible for pulling the trigger, didn’t entirely want to.
but as i used, i became more and more degraded and partly at peace with the idea of going away.
vice is a weird, sick, humbling, and sometimes illuminating thing.
in some ways, going through what i did made me stronger. but it also created a gaping void i now need to fill to be happy not using.
imagine being responsible for a tantrum-filled child who’s always at risk of having a fit wherever you are; a soul never at ease, who wants what it wants despite the cost and havoc that its want may rain down upon you and others. that’s the void – the sidecar in your life that needs to be filled – to be calmed – to be dealt with when not using, or you can go back to using.
to recover, you have to become yoda when you’re only a pre-jedi luke skywalker, and ultimately, you have to do this alone.
i used to read that white knuckling through recovery was not enough, and it’s not. white knuckling is all about staving off what deep down a great part of you wants to let back in – your vice.
that’s why you have to get wise and go on the offensive, by filling that void with a barrage of mind and ego expanding adventures. you need to sign up for that class you always thought about taking – stay close with friends and family and be open with them at all times – remove all filters from your life so you can let out all the steam still caught within you – and learn again to love yourself, which is not easy when you’ve gone down the road of using.
you have to become part masochist, part monk and part parent to yourself and be okay with that if you’re going to survive this.
it’s not easy – lots of sleepless nights – but there is honour rather than regret in sobriety, which i know now is ultimately everything.